just a part of it

I can’t believe I could ever post again in this blog. It’s almost a year. I tried to untangle myself from you but I failed. It’s hard to wrestle with my heart.

I’m sorry if I made you believe that your version is okay with me. But I’ve been consistent in voicing out that I’m hurting so bad with your brand of love. But you see, I endured those years of struggle and pain. I gave it a try because… it’s you. I don’t get it why you fear so much doing only one simple thing that I’ve ever asked from you. Is my three years of enduring and staying not enough to give you courage?

If I have shown resistance it’s because of fears and limitations. Fears and limitations brought by your nonactions. I’ve waited for three looooong years. Even now, I still am. You don’t know the pain of seeing you leave again and again. But I guess you don’t love me that much, asta lang ko sa Internet. And that will always hurt me. I can’t do anything about it.

I want a new brand of love or at least an upgraded version of it. How can I take care of you if your version does not allow me to? True love will do anything for the relief of the other. Is it unfair to put an end to the old version that makes you cry day and night?

And you know what, because of your nonactions I keep on thinking that maybe it’s not me. Or that you deserve someone who is right there beside you and can take care of you. Someone who is your friend and you really enjoy being with; someone whom you really really love with a love that can wake you up and make you stop dreaming and make you act in reality; someone who will never ever gonna hurt you.

I’m sorry for these selfish thoughts. It just hurts me so that I’m not there for you, that you’re with someone else instead of me. It’s better if we meet halfway. And as long as you choose the old version, remember how I feel. I can stay as long as I’m needed, as long as I still can. But if I can’t take it anymore, I’ll show some mercy to my heart too.

Take time to realize and to put yourself on my part. I know very well your background, I understand you. But consider how I feel too. It seems like I’m always on the edge of forgetting everything because of the pain. Let me know you more so I can prove to myself that we share the same values.

I’m sorry for the wrong timing of venting out all of these. But I have to let them out before it’s too late. I choose to stay and help you.

confessions of the silent

I’m sorry for the delayed response. It took me weeks to make this entry. I didn’t know where to start. I can’t write everything that is inside. One thing I’m sure of is I’m not peaceful with the thought that I’m back in that version again. A part of me tells me to show more grace and believe that we can still work it out. But pain and fear consume me. They are a constant companion.

I’ve always wanted to love you in the fullest sense but you gave me not a single chance. I wanted to reach out for you but your version didn’t allow me to. I always wanted you to be there for me but you were not even a friend. I don’t even know you anymore. I was dying just to have a single talk with you but that was too much for you to give. Now tell me how can we work this out? Don’t worry I already buried all those desires and I’m not expecting anymore. I accept that I’m just a subject in a dream and never in reality.

A portion of my heart tells me to hold on but pain and fear drown me. I still don’t have that kind of love that’s ready to accept the unknown── the unknown in you; knows no fear and is ready to be hurt over and over and over again. And other heavier reasons like: I’m afraid we don’t share the same commitment to God, we’re going different paths and we want different things in life. 

If roads won’t lead us together, I just want you to know that I’m thankful for letting me learn life’s most valuable lessons with you. You are one of the most beautiful people I know. Thank you. You don’t deserve someone like me who always cause you so much pain and whose love is incomplete. You belong to someone better, someone who can really be with you and can enjoy the things you choose to do. You’ve reached so far now. I’m always praying for your best. And I always want you to be happy. But the saddest thing in my part is I’m the one who caused you this heartache and I never had the chance to say all the sweet things in my heart about you. I preferred to keep them to myself if not uttered to you personally.

Believe me; I want that we fix this. But never in this kind of communication again. Are you not tired? It’s been two years! If nothing will be done in reality, I can accept it and will let everything be clean forgotten.

I’m sorry I just can’t ignore the things that hold my love back from you.  Yes, things may change if we’ll be graced with a chance to have a decent talk. But as long as I’m not peaceful, I know I’m in a wrong place and I can’t stay. But if ever we walk that way together again, I’ll make sure I can finally love you more, in the fullest sense; without holding back anything. And I will always stay. 

Final Status Update

This is my last note for this page. I never thought things would come to this. But I guess it’s time to make a formal closure to what has been wrong right from the start. Things started here and will end here. The sad part is I’m the one doing the difficult task.

We might wonder why we are in certain situations sometimes, why persons come into our lives. As I grow I realize that maybe they are instruments or ways for us to find out what we really want in life; the kind of people we want to be with, the kind of places we choose to go, the food we like to eat, what we drink, what we talk about, what we want to watch and listen to, what we allowed ourselves to do and not. I just figured out the lesson lately. Everything that has come our way helps us determine what we like and what we don’t, helps us be aware of ourselves―what we are and what we are not. They help make some things clearer to us―the person we see ourselves in the coming future.

Life has its peculiar, sometimes painful ways for us to know what path we should take. Yes knowing what you want to see of yourself is important but what your heart says also matter. And when the two disagree that’s a major dilemma… But when what you love fails you and brings you unbearable pain, you have no other choice but to let go and accept your lot and that leads you to choose what you want.

Ours could have been beautiful. But I don’t have time to whine and to resent to the “what-could-have-been”. And I’m not bitter. I see it as a privilege to learn a major lesson with you, the most acclaimed you. Though things could never be the same, I hope that we are on the right places. The hardest part is getting this close to you and giving up this dream I built with you. And though the feeling has not passed yet, I know there will come a day that I’ll no longer cry, or think of you.

I’m no longer hoping. And I blame nobody because I also allowed myself to be here, I tolerated the things done to me. I’m sorry I caused you much pain. I don’t deserve all that you have for me. Find someone else better, who can truly love you; the one who can love you the way you want, who’s just okay with your version of love. The one who can go to the kind of places you choose to go and enjoy the things you allow yourself to do. And if you finally found the right one who can keep your heart warm, I’ll be happy to see you happy and fulfilled. I still thank you for the kind of love you showed me.

I have many things in mind which I prefer to keep to myself. I can’t help but believe the obvious and the things I sense ‘cause how can I know the truth if you don’t even want to talk to me? What’s the use of letting them all out if nothing will happen? And if this note is not enough for a closure, for an explanation, I’d be willing present my side to you personally.

I’m doing this because I love the people who are concerned to me. I know they hate to see me cry. I have to save myself before I get totally drowned. 

I don’t care if this text is disorganized. It reflects my mind now. But I know I’m doing the right thing. And if our paths cross someday, be it. But for now, I’m not hoping and I’m doing everything to forget. 

My Reasonable Thoughts

You convinced me to take the risk and try. And now I can’t pretend that I’m fine. It’s so impossible to invest on something or someone you don’t really “know”. And when things are unclear. I can’t let my heart be drowned in this craziness when I’m unsure of everything. We might have different paths. We might be different from we think we are. 

And what hurts the most is how you can post all those lines when you have no plan and not even willing to prove them.

There’s no point in hoping when nothing has been said and done. I just have some love left for myself to protect me in the end. I may sound selfish but I also want to win. 

I was waiting. And I still am. I’m waiting for the time that you’ll finally put an end to this cycle and make things right…before I can make up my mind to forget this affair. 

living in reality

Dreams, fantasies are the ones that sustain us and keep us going. But at the end of the day, we all wake up in reality. 

I’m just looking for something real and will only act on things that are really real. I’m keeping the status and I don’t want to provoke anything ‘cause I don’t want to rush things. Yes, let things fall in their rightful places. ‘Cause afterall if this is meant for us, things will happen smoothly at the right time.

Your undoing makes me think that there’s something wrong with me. And I have many more other things in mind but I don’t have to explain ‘cause I really hate explaining here. But I want you to know that it amazes me that all these happen with just words and those make us happy somehow.  

I don’t want to hold back anything that I can give. But I guess you don’t want me that much ‘cause you’re not moving. But I prefer to believe that you’re just not ready. And if that’s the case, I choose to live in reality. It’s all up to you actually. 

I was made to love. And I know I can give more. But I’d rather not try again if the same things will be done. I just realized that I don’t need to let myself be hurt again.

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to love. A time to be hurt. A time to heal. And a time to suppress.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And the what-if’s are distressing. But I’m trusting God the future. And I still dare do this because I trust that there’ll be more blessings and things are more beautiful if we do things right, if you don’t complicate things.

Love doesn’t demand its own way… especially if it already hurts the one you love. I’m not insisting if my request is too difficult or you’re not ready. I hope you’ll do the same thing too.

Trust me on this, PLEASE!

Sad. Shoulders down. Troubled. Why do you say things like that? Why do you feel like that?

Not me! You know Who can…

I can’t start it again without clearing out things with you. Not mine, but your issues.

I know my words are not enough to convince you to wait for the right time that we can talk and start it again. Trust me on this, please. Enough of your separation anxiety and ineffective coping. You have some growing up to do.

I just want one thing, I want to talk to you. And it’s not yet the right time.

When it’s time to walk that way, we’ll walk it well.

I’m not throwing you away. You mean so much to me. I’m leaving you to the One who can love and take care of you better. And you know who He is.

Let’s take this time to trust our Master, Maker and Owner… that He can give us all that we need and that He will be all that we’ll ever need.

Keeping my word to do what is right.

Waiting till this pain is gone.

Believing that you’ll erase all my doubts when the right time comes.  

I wish I didn’t have these doubts. I wish I didn’t know inside that it won’t work out. I wish that what you do isn’t too painful. But reality for me now is―I am wounded.

I can’t break the wall you built. Everything will straighten out when all will be uttered face-to-face. Can we just agree to be at peace and wait for the right time that we can decide on what to do next?